CM Syndrome

Sometimes I feel like a Crappy Mom. Most of the time I feel I'm doing my job pretty well. I don't put too much pressure on myself, don't have super high expectations, and give leeway for how I parent. But sometimes I just feel crappy. Like today for example. Not all day, just in an instant.

Tyler and Matthew were playing a computer game. Michael had been home for 10 minutes and we chatted, but I had told the boys to get off and gave them 5 minutes to finish up what they were doing. When Michael is home, he likes to play and be with the kids, and I know they love to play with him, but they do love their computer games. So, instead of him asking them to get off, I have them get off to be with him. Often times, even though the timer goes off for them to stop, I let them wrap it up, get to a stopping point. I get it, they don't want to just shut it off. Get to a knew level, whatever. So I'm a nice mom, understanding, right?

I really don't like being taken advantage of. Even if it is unintentional. Even if they don't really realize what they are doing. I came back after that 5 minute warning and said it was time to turn it off. "But, Mommy, please, we are almost.....saving the princess (or whatever)." I look closer and that they had actually signed out of their game and signing back into it as we spoke. So I got kinda irate because though they were on another webpage to look up hints on how to "save the princess" they were getting back onto the site to do the actual saving. But I saw that as a CLEAR stopping point, where they saw it as not quite done with what they were doing. They were signed out. They had to sign back in to do it, so they could have done that later. Since I had already given them a warning (and let it slip a few minutes longer anyway) I got pretty mad. I tried to explain to them the difference and they were quite confused. Though I wasn't yelling, I was pretty mad. After angrily explaining how I felt taken advantage of (they had no clue what that meant) Michael said I should probably not try to explain it for the 3rd time.

I had to leave to go get our Friday night pizza and though I didn't slam the door (but wanted to) I just left. When I was gone, I just felt sad and wanted to cry and figure out a "do over." It was mostly Tyler that I was most upsetedly conversing with, and I thought it was time for a good one on one date. I decided it would happen later in the night.

As I drove, I thought about myself and my behavior and how I was happy with myself for not yelling. I have been known to yell (shocker, I know). I've prayed for patience in the past few years, and though I'm sure I will never fully have what I want in that area, I have felt an improvement in myself. I mean, I have had the times where I got so frustrated, I let out a screech and my poor sweet children stand there wide eyed, mouths dropped, and confused as to why their mother reacted the way she did. That image in my mind has helped me in my patience effort. I don't want to scare my children.

We all get that Crappy Mom Syndrome from time to time. Some may feel it more than others. I was talking to a good friend out of state a few weeks ago. I had just sent her a link to my blog about something specific. She isn't a blogger, so doesn't check often, and I don't think she's ever even left a comment. She said, "yeah, I felt like the crappiest mom after I read your blog." To which I felt horror and sadness that something coming from me would instill "crap" into another. She had read about something fun I did with my kids and felt crappy that she doesn't do such things. To which I had to inform her of something that happened years ago that she did (didn't give her child apple juice until he was 3 while I was giving it to my 6 month old) and told her I felt crappy because of that. Its just inevitable that we all feel crappy sometimes because of what we see others doing, but we just have to embrace our own personal talents.

Just last week, a friend at my sons birthday parent lamented that she will "never be a good mom like me" because I made that cool Lego Cake. I'm almost outraged at comments like that because a) I know I have my downfalls and b)I see the potential in others and I see what they do and feel crappy that I'm not doing that. I said to this friend, "well, I know you read stories at bedtime to your kids and stroke their hair till they fall asleep and I don't do that." What do you think your children will care about--fabulous birthday cakes or that you do that for them?" To which she was silent and maybe felt a little better about herself.

I blog the things I do, not only for a personal history and that my kids will know what happened in their childhood, but in hopes that something I share can help someone else be a better mom (lets face it, most of you are moms or will be someday). I am saddened to hear that some may read my blog, see what I do, then feel crappy about themselves. I love to be inspired by others blogs. Yes, sometimes I think what I read is too out of my reach, but mostly, it gives me ideas on things I can do.

I tend to do the extravagent things (birthday cakes, scavenger hunts, summer fun jar) because that is how I operate. Its what motivates me. I do them because sometimes I feel I don't do enough at home on a regular basis, and I hope that the extravagent will be remembered by my kids.

On the trip that Michael and I took (which will be blogged about Sunday) I thought about Alyssa and how this is my last year with her. All she wants is for me to play with her. Or just sit and stare at her while she plays with her Polly Pockets. She wants my attention and I don't always give it to her. So I came up with the idea to have a sleepover with her once a month. She was so excited when I told her I was sleeping in her room (she asks nearly every night if I will) for that one night and we could do whatever she wanted to. It really was only an hour that we played. When she fell asleep, I got up and did a few things, but then I went in her room and slept there for the night. She has been asking every night if it is time for a sleepover again. Once a month, I say.

So tonight at dinner, I told Tyler that he and I were going somewhere, just the two of us, after dinner. Matthew said, "what? no fair" and everyone wanted to know where, but I kept it a secret. Tyler seemed pretty excited at the special treatment. We left, and I gave him clues all the way there. He was excited about the mystery. I first said it is about 8-10 minutes away. Next clue: You've only been there once. 3rd clue: it was about 6 months ago. We got closer and when we hit the parking lot, he asked if it was the yogurt place and I said yes. He got very excited. We sampled some yogurt, picked it, and added the yummy treats (gummy bears, sprinkles, and cookie dough for hime) that we wanted. We sat at chatted. I tried to calmly explain to him my intentions earlier, and apologize and let him know that I am trying to be a good mom, but sometimes I make mistakes and get frustrated. That I want to be a nice mom, I want him to have fun, to do the things he loves, but I also want him to .....and he said...."be productive" and I said, "Yes!" To play more than just computer games, and I explained why. We had a good heart to heart, some laughs, some good mother and son times that is very very rare for the two of us. I told him how much I love him and that he is the greatest treasure to me. He knows it. He really knows it, and for that I am grateful. He is a sweet boy.

I then said we were going one more place and the clue was "red." And he said..."Target?" And I had a shocked and excited look on my face and we both bursted out laughing. Amazing! He has been needing a jacket, so I said we were going to get him one. Red isn't my first choice, but it was what he wanted. He was pretty happy about it.
He even held my hand as we walked through the store (not embarresed about that yet). When we got home, I half expected him to recount all of our adventures play by play to the awaiting family at home. He just walked in with a smile and said that we had fun. Its ok...I know what we did, and he does, and thats what matters. I love my boy.

So if anyone has one of the CM days, just remember, there are a lot of great things your kids get that others don't. It's ok to be different. Its ok to be crappy one day and awesome another. Be inspired by others, not depressed. Just keep trying and don't beat yourself up too much.