While I was away

Taking a step away from ones life always offers a bit of reflection time.  I went away for 5 days and had the please of bringing Tyler along with me.  We visited friends that used to live in Texas.  My friend, Linda, paid my ticket out because she wanted family pictures, and I held a few mini sessions while I was there that covered Tyler's ticket.  It worked out great.  Her son and Tyler were best buddies from age 2-6. 

I was determined not to let Tyler play his DS the whole time while I read my People magazine.  Though I could have gotten away with it.  The time one on one is rare, and I wanted to take full opportunity to bond.  I was trying to plan ahead of time all the things we'd discuss and learn about each other...but then I decided it was important to just play and have fun. I got a few new conversation type cards games (Would you Rather, Fact or Crap (I know, can you believe the name of it?)) and some crossword puzzle type books.  From those activites, we chatted here and there and had fun laughing with each other.  We did also spend some of the time in our individual activities, but mostly togetherness.  He even taught me how to play a Pokemon game on his new DS.

We flew from Austin to Dallas, then a longer flight from Dallas to Champaign.  On that flight, when I booked our tickets, there were no 2 seats together. I just got 2 near each other and when I got on the plane, I asked to switch.  The guy next to Tyler said, "It's ok, I'll watch out for him" and I said, "No, I WANT to sit by him, we have games, etc. to play."  Luckily, we were able to work it all out, and I'm so glad.  He hit a bit of a grumpy tunnel right after he turned 8--I recognize that as Satan tempting him more since he has been baptized.  He has found his way back and is my sweet Tyler once again.  I am sure in a year or two, another tunnel will come around, but I will keep fighting for our relationship. 

One of the things Linda and I discussed in our late night discussions is how important this time is in our childs life.  From 9-12, they are more independant, can play on their own, WANT to be on their own, and when we have younger kids to tend to, its just easiest that way.  Linda said something to me that I had never thought about. She said it is during this time when it is convenient from them to be off on their own that we need to focus even more on maintaining a good relationship with them.  If we don't continue that connection, when they are 13/14, they won't want us in their lives because there has been a sense of neglect.  It was a good realization for me that I need to give Tyler the same quality time and attention as I do Cali.  They just have different needs.  Cali's are physical needs, his are emotional, but he doesn't realize he has that need, and I don't fully realize it either.  I want so badly to be let in, but Tyler is a bit of a tough egg to crack.  He is easy going, not bothered, doesn't usually have a lot to say.  But he is in tune with me, and when I am having a tough day, he recognizes it and quickly offers to help, or tells me I'm a good mom just because he knows I need it.  I love that about him. 

Our first night there, Tyler wasn't quite ready to have a sleepover in Evan's room and opted to bunk with me.  We went to bed at the same time--11pm ish and we were all feeling mellow and tired.  Once we got in our room, he unleased with hyper excitement.  He was so excited and was bouncing off the walls (literally).  He jumped on the bed, and I had to ask him not to--assuming Linda wouldn't approve and thats just bad guest manners.  He was dancing, smiling, it was so cute to see.  I joined in and we kinda danced on the bed while not jumping.  A cute moment I don't want to forget--just because I don't have a picture of it. Ok, I do have this one where he did a donkey kick off of the chair, but caught him as he got down.

While there, he played with Evan (his friend) a lot, and I chatted with Linda a lot, but when we were all in the room, I'd be sitting alone and he would come sling his arm around me, or sit on my lap, or even play with my hair.  Him seeing that I was available for him, he gravitated towards me.  I need to continue to make myself available or think about inviting him to come to me when I am.  That cuddle time is the unspoken connection that I realize we still need. 

One night, I was sitting on the floor with him in a chair.  His feet were right next to me and I had the random thought to offer a foot massage.  He had never had one before, and he got a big smile on  his face as I started to rub his little feet. He loved it.  Evan caught on and asked Linda to do it, and there we were, massaging our boys feet.  Stuff like that--he loves a back scratch, or on his head--physical connection they love and I will do it as long as he lets me.  I remember seeing my friends mom scratch her kids back in church, and I made a resolve to do that.  Not always in church, but at home. 

I did also get frustrated with Tyler a few times because as we took pics with the Hobsons, I asked him to be my assistant.  A few times, he was complaining and it was buggin' me, I needed helpful-ness.  I sent him to the car during the family shoot because he was being grumpy and Evan wanted to follow him and not be in pics.  I feel bad that I got upset with him, but it happens.

Watching Linda with her family allowed me to ponder on  how I do things.  Overall, I feel happy about my mothering. I feel guilt when I spend my "me" time on the computer while they do their own electronic time.  I wish it were only an hour, but its usually 2 and sometimes 3 hours in the summer.  It's all while Cali naps, and I wish I could use that time to do activities with my hands free, but its selfish time.  Watching Linda, or any friend with their kids really helps give me ideas on how to do things differently.  She is GREAT with meal planning (always has been).  We talked a lot about that, and I made a plan to be better once back (I did great the last 2 nights, but I was a bit of a grumpy mom because of it). Gonna try out e-mealz.com

We also talked a lot about siblings showing love to each other.  That is something that recently I am bothered with in our home.  Tyler and Matthew are a unified front against Alyssa.  I will not stand for it, and they know that.  Before I left, I had a family home evening lesson on the importance of the boys each having one on one time with Alyssa to build their relationships with her and to include her more. I suggested to Matthew that he take advantage of that while Tyler was gone, and I heard that had some good bonding time. In Linda's family, after their nightly scripture/prayer, they sang "We are a Hapy Family" song as they hugged each other for bed.  I thought I'd add that little step to our scripture time each night.  They empasized that they are a team with repeating "Team Hobson", too. 

Another thing Linda and I talked about is spouse relationships.  I feel like Michael and I have it pretty good, but we can always be better.  I love my husband, I love to talk to him, need to hear his advice in my dilemma's, laugh with him, but I need to show more love to him.  We are affectionate by routine sometimes, and I don't want that.  I want to nurture more. Linda mentioned a discussion with her sister in law at the quandries of parent/child relationships into adulthood. One conclusion they came to (from their observance of people) is that when a husband and wife have a loving/affectionate relationship with each other, their children have closer relationships with them.  It is still one of those mysteries of the universe, but I want to have that relationship with Michael that when our children are gone, I won't be moping for them, but will delight in spending time with my husband. 

I want to be a more organized homemaker.  Starting with the meals, but Linda has always been an inspiration when it comes to order in the home.  Thoug it isn't innate in me, as it is in  her, I can teach myself to be better.  I had to laugh as we loaded up the van with her 4 kids and my 1, we pulled out of the driveway and she jumped out.  I assumed she forgot something inside as I always do...but no, she grabbed her garage dustpan and mini broom and swept up the mud clumps that fell off her van from some off roading I had her do ealier in the day to scope out photo spots. She spent 30 seconds sweeping it up, as we watched through the front window of the van, then she was back putting the car in reverse once again, and we were on her way.  I made a comment about the situation, explaining to her that it wasn't completely normal, but I love that about her.  Cleaning to her is a routine, a delight, and it brings her order and peace.  Those mud clumps would have sat in my garage until they disentigrated.  She laughs at herself, and we move on.  Though as much of a neat-a-holic as she is, she doesn't do it all.  This was key for me to see.  Her husband does the kitchen clean up each night.  Now let me say that Michael is VERY helpful around the house, but he doesn't have a specific job other than the trash and the lawn. I've always thougth I was supposed to do it all, but I think it would help me a lot to get more kitchen help.  Oh yeah, he usually does his laundry because he needs his whites washed before I do.  Maybe he's already doing too much. 

My friend Linda and I have a lot of history.  She and I relate on many levels, and we have the same parenting and church living ideals.  We see the world the same, and that goes a long way.  That makes conversation easy.  We talked about our kids, our spouse, our parents and siblings, our friends, our callings, with some laughter and tears mixed in.  We lamented that we don't live near each other, and wondered why we don't have the same desire to vegge on friends couches like we did with each other back in the day.  We have grown up and have different needs.  We used to live to go out, now we are content to stay in. 

On the last night together, as we had stayed up til 2am the nights before having our quiet time (all the kids in bed), her husband walked by and said, "how can you still have things to talk about?"  We got a good laugh out of that.

I was on a trip, so allowed myself to eat all sorts of junk that I've worked hard to cut out of my diet.  I like to eat, but I need moderation. I got lots of food and snacks for the airplane and while there.  I usually have 2 shakes a day and ate 3 wonderful meals, and my body was upset with me for over doing it.  Good lesson, but I probably won't learn.  When Linda and I went out for dinner, I just needed something to settle my stomach.  The restaraunt was also a bar, and not only did we just order water, but then I asked for a milk and the waitress thought I was crazy.  I did get chocolate milk, too.

After our late flight home, Tyler and I crashed into bed.  The past few days have been fun seeing my other kids through my "just on a trip and missed you so much" eyes.  But as I've realized its our last week of summer and there are so many summer fun jar things we haven't done yet, I want to cram it all in.  Did I give my kids what they needed this summer?  Are we closer than before, did I take full advantage of them being home nestled under my wing?  I started doing so many things and felt overwhelmed.  Had a bit of heart palpatations as I realized I can't do it all...another word from Linda, I needed to decompress after my trip and I tried to do too much. 

Now really, did you get through all that?  I often skip a lot of typing in my blog hopping.