sad blog confessions

Ay yay yay, this poor and sad neglected blog.  I am planning to update on our July happenings including our weekend lakehouse trip with my family, but just haven't yet.  My new baby is my all new photography blogsite, I've been updating that!  But I love this personal outlet, this jumble of a blog that is only for those people whom I really know and love.  I've stopped thinking about who is coming, and worrying that if my memories aren't documented here...they will be forgotten.  I don't want to forget them.  I've always been an avid journal keeper, but my handwritten journal has turned into once every few months with only the details that I want myself to know.  this will be all typing, no pictures.  just for me, and you can read it if you want to.

I don't want to forget that Alyssa says mazagine instead of magazine.  Michael tries to correct her, but I love it too much.  She is going to kindergarden in a few weeks and I have such mixed emotions.  She is SO ready and SO excited, but I will miss her so much.  I worry that I haven't given her all she needs from me.  She is super attached to me right now.  While it is flattering, I fear she will have a hard time when I take her to school, even though she says she is really excited.  She has a hard time when we drop her off at Primary, hard time when I take her to friends houses, she always wants me to stay.  I tear myself away, and I'm right...she is fine after a little bit.  When we re-unite, she tells me all the fun things she did and forgets she was sad.  She looks up to her brothers so much, and I see them pushing her away and it breaks my heart.  Right now, she is the middle child.  In between the baby whom is adored by all and the brothers who are glued to each other.  Sometimes they include her, but often, she is her own little island.  We spend a lot of our summer days all with each other.  Mornings at the pool or running errands or playing with friends as a group.  But when we are home and Cali is napping--we all have our individual time.  I jump on the computer.  The boys play Wii or Legos, and Alyssa either watches a show or plays with her dollies.  For the most part, she seems content with that.  Every once in a while, she'll ask me to join and I do for a bit.  But not enough.  She has quite the fashion sense, and I often find myself asking her what she thinks of my outfit or hair before I wear a bold accessory.  She will tell  me if she doens't like it.  Most nights we put her to bed in her room (or a sleepover with the boys) and in the morning, I will find her on the floor next to my bed. 

Cali is a walking/running/talking/babbling 15 month old.  She is in the absolute funnest stage.  I've always said this is my favorite baby stage, and I am eating it up. Her daily discoveries are so much fun to witness.  She mimics us like crazy and knows that we all adore her.  In the morning and after her naps, she lay in bed and talk to herself.  NONE of my other children did this.  She wakes up...and looks around for her audience.  We are usually there with happy faces because she is now awake to grace us with her presence.  Her wave is automatic as she greets each of us.  Love her wave.  At the dinner table, we've done the family wave around the table.  It starts when Cali raises both of her hands above her head and we all follow suit.  We did this one night and left us all in hysterics as we watched her realize we were copying her.  When we pray, she folds her arms by one hand grabbing the other wrist.  So adorable.  She usually stays quiet throughout the whole prayer, then goes back to her usual loudness when we are done.  She went from mama to Mommy last week (Tyler has gone from mommy to mom) and she squeels with excitement when daddy comes home.  Daddy is her favorite word.  That, and ball.  She lifts one leg up with the most elegant toe point, I think we have a dancer on our hands.  Love this baby so much it hurts.

Matthew will be 8 in a few months.  It happened with Tyler and it is happening with him...and it breaks my heart.  He is finding his independance and pulling away from me a bit more.  It hurts and saddens me, but I remind myself not to take it personally and continue to show love and remind him to be more cheerful.  He has such deep down goodness--he wants to do right and doesn't want to disappoint.  He is a rule follower and gets frustrated when others don't follow rules.  He still believes in the make believe, though I feel its time to let him in on a few of those secrets.  He has a heart like mine that doesn't want to see others left out.  I hope he continues to recognize this, as I will continue to remind him/them of the importance of including others--especially those being neglected.  He and I are the only ones with green eyes in our family, and he wishes his were blue.  Not sure why this is something that bothers him, but I think he is just so handsome, but he hates when i say that to him.  He gets quite scared at a lot of movies. Very tenderhearted.  The other day, he wanted to completely leave a family movie we were watching and I suggested he go get his tote of legos and we could build off to the side with the movie in the background.  Keeping himself busy, he was able to still participate in the movie, but not fully focus on it with his toys in hand.  He  has a bit of a nervous twitch, often snapping his fingers.  I know he is headed to a tough time since he will be baptized soon and will have more challenges and accountability for his actions.  I want so badly to help him, and luckily he will still come sit on my lap and cuddle with me.  If nothing else, I have that.  He will still be the first to blurt out the truth when I'm trying to get a story from the kids.  I love that about him, and I hope that strong sense of honesty will always stay with him.  I love that boy.

Tyler is approaching double digits--he will be 10 in November.  I am so grateful he is my oldest child.  A while ago, I overheard someone complementing another on how responsible their oldest child is....as I was in the earshot, I got a bit defensive inside as I didn't get a similar complement for my oldest child.  I thought to myself...they don't know.  They don't know what a leader he is, how compassionate he is,  how helpful he is, how kind and responsible he is, that he will "fetch" me whatever I ask and help his siblings and do his jobs without complaints.  I had to remind myself that I don't need to hear that, nor do I need others to know that because I know how blessed I am that he is my son.  I also have to remind myself to not rely on him and do some things myself...to not put too much on his shoulders.  He is becoming more skilled at basketball, but wanting to try out flag football.  He and Matthew like to go play with the neighbor boys quite a lot and have picked up some mannerisms that i have to remind him isn't appropriate.  Some of them, he honestly didn't know any better and since I've corrected him, he hasn't done it.  He started reading the Book of Mormon on his 8th birthday and his goal is to finish by his 10th.  I am so impressed.  He pulls it out on his own and is riveted by what he reads.  He enjoys it, and the accomplishment, and I'm so excited to reach that goal.  I am taking a trip with just him next week and I'm SO excited for that one on one time.  He has got a funny little (almost valley girl, but in a boyish way) talk these days and he lets me join in and talk it back to him.  Michael thinks its weird, but its right up my alley and its fun to connect on this weird pre-teen level with him...like totally.  He has come back around since the rough patch of discovering himself after age 8 and his baptism.  We believe that age 8 is when Satan can start tempting them.  It hit full force, but he has learned better how to foster that into positive things. I love my boy.

Michael is my rock.  He does so much for our family, I often feel I don't do enough.  I try to have a nice meal for him when he comes home, have a decently clean home so he'll want to come home, and ask about his day.  Work has been more draining with dynamics changing around the offic.  He has an injury after a race that has left him unable to exercise (which is his favorite out of family activity), so I suggested he focus on his other favorite hobby--building things.  He is working on shelves for the garage this week. No calling in our new ward after 3 months--not even a home teacher yet.  Big change coming from the last 5 years being quite demanding at church.  Though it is a nice relaxing, he is ready to jump in and serve and feel helpful.  He likes to help. 

As for me...I have been teaching the 12/13 year olds Sunday School and I absolutely LOVE it!  I have such a deep love for the youth, and I am so impressed with these kids.  I've never taught teen boys and they are blowing me away with their gospel knowledge, its so fun every week.  I even get to still go to Relief Society--such a fun calling for me!  I am getting to know people in my new ward pretty well.  I go to weekly play groups and Alyssa has 2 great friends that she gets invited to play at nearly every week.  The boys have a few friends that they sometimes get together with, but their moms seems to keep them busy with other activities.  I feel pulled in between 2 worlds sometimes.  I've got my great friends in my old 'hood and wanting to immerse myself in my new area, feels hard to juggle sometimes.  I find myself being the person that always bugged me--with good intentions, but spreading myself too thin.  I love my friends.  I want to be so much and so present and so involved, but I can't be everything for everyone.  But I want to--and that is a hard reality for me to accept.  I don't feel I've connect so well with people in my new ward ,but there are a few gals that I really like...giving it time...its only been 3 months.  I am really loving my new home.  Feel so happy with the space (ceiling height makes a big difference).  Having fun decorating, too.  I revamped my business logo and colors and merged my website with my blog.  I feel it is so much more ME and that makes me happy.  My business doesn't take me away from my family, but the computer does.  Nearly every day, I have so many windows and tabs open from things I am looking at....its hard to shut it all down.  It riddles me with guilt. I keep trying to think up ways to stay off the computer or limit my computer time..but often get discouraged.  I'll say I'm going to be off, and do just fine, until I need to look up that one thing and the cycle seems to start again.  I am looking at other photographers websites, they will link to a product or another photographer, then I'll link up...I look at cute clothes to photograph or vintage items on craigs list or ebay for  home decor that will also double as a photography prop.  Loving home decor blogs and crafty blogs on how to do things myself, or craft projects with my kids. I email...LOTS of email....I post to my blogs...I write a photography tutorial once a week on a crafty blog that gets 5k hits a day or more. I am surfing etsy for cute headbands or fabric to make a quilt...and oh yeah, I get lost on facebook keeping up with my friends.  Its an addiction that I hate to love. Trying to figure out a way to make it better...I know some of you may have a similar problem:)  I try to get out with the kids, the best way to break it.  I don't have portable internet. I have BIG plans when my 3 big kids go off to school, I am going to run miles and miles in new single jogging stroller and get super slender.  I was getting up at 6am to run with a few ladies in my new ward, but it was tough for me.  I swapped professional teeth whitening with a dentist and I'll take their pictures.  Is teeth whitening vain?  Michael wants to do it, too, so I feel it less vain.  I am getting up every 2 hours to wake a child of mine with bed wetting problems and it is seemingly fruitless. I want to get into tv again, I miss it. I have gone to a book club and enjoyed that! I read a few books!  What will I do all day long with just a baby and no big kids to play with her.  This will be weird.  I want to keep having babies, but I'm pretty sure this is it.  That makes me pretty sad to think about, so I don't.  I am blessed with 2 and 2.  So blessed.

So if you got this far, that is what is REALLY going on in our lives. Crud, its 1:44am and I'm gonna hurt tomorrow.