The Pregnancy Discussion

I kept my pregnancy hush hush for a while. Often times people wait til 12 or so weeks to share, because of the miscarriage concern. That isn't why I did it. To the handful of people who knew I was pregnant, after I passed that mark, I let them know that I still wasn't ready for the secret to be out. Why? I didn't really have a good answer for that. In my mind I knew and understood, but didn't know how to verbalize it all.

Early on, when I'm feeling sick, I really don't like people to know I'm sick. I want to try my best to lead a "normal" life. I find it helps me feel better to get out and socialize, even though while doing so, I'm pretty uncomfortable. I'm not a puker for the most part. But that doesn't mean I don't feel awful. It seems that if you are a puker, thats proof that you feel really sick. If you don't puke, people think you've got it easy. It's true, it doesn't sound justifyable to say you were sick if you didn't puke. I think I felt worse this time around than my 3 previous pregnancies, yet I didn't puke at all. The end of September through the beginning of November, I still did what I normally did: got up, made lunches, took the boys to school, drove Alyssa around, went to the school to help the teachers, made dinner, etc. But after Michael got home and we all ate (I did have a big appetite and I ate what I wanted, which often meant treating myself to lunch "out" nearly every day) I would lock myself in my room, turn the TV on and watch for about 2 hours. I couldn't sleep yet (though there were times I retired at 8:30) but TV was mind numbing enough for me to sortof forget how I felt. Michael was good enough to let me be in there alone, and the kids would come in and out, which I liked because I felt guilty for going off by myself. I really liked it when they'd cuddle up next to me and felt concern for me.

I don't like making excuses on behalf of my illness. I like to think that I can still do everything, and for the most part--I still do. I remember vividly Michael's birthday (Oct. 9th) wanting to make him a special stir fry dish because he loves it. I found a recipe that looked great, but while cooking it, felt awful. I remember liking it when we ate, but everytime (since then) that I think about making it, I look at the recipe and remember how awful I felt when I was making it...and go on to make something else. I did Matthew's birthday and party, and by the time Tyler's baptism/birthday/party rolled around I felt better, but not 100% (nausea wise).

I was called to cub scouts just before I felt sick, but my non-excitement for the program and for being there wasn't enough, I felt crappy. But I refused to allow it to be an excuse in any way. I was grumpy to a few people and I feel bad for that, but I think I would have been grumpy if I weren't pregnant. Once they found out I was pregnant it was an "ah-ha" moment for them, but I didn't like that. All of a sudden they excused my behavior, but I didn't accept that. I just don't like to make excuses, even though maybe I should just allow them to do that.


I think another reason I wanted to keep it to myself is because I get tired of THE QUESTION. You all know what it is. We all ask it, I try not to, but I guess I do sometimes. HOW ARE YOU FEELING???? Over and over by everyone, all the time. It's kindof an extension of "how are you?" which is a common phrase, though also one I try not to use because I see it as trite. (As I type this, I hesitate to do so because I've told this to people before and they dance around me trying to figure out what to say because they know I don't care for this question--though I still answer it with a grin on my face).

You see with the question, "how are you" I just don't like to say "good" or "fine" because I am all about semantics. No one is ever really "good" there is always a story, and I don't want to say something that I'm not, even if its habitual. I'll say alright or fantastic, but never good. Good is just too simple. It's never that simple. The cashiers will ask me this at the store, and if I'm feeling adventurous, I'll say "I haven't had that great of a day" and they just don't know what to do with themselves because someone said something other than "good." My phrase that I like to use a lot is "I'm alright" because that to me is in the middle. Not great, not awful, but alright. I guess good could be the same.

But with pregnancy, once it is out...you no longer hear, "how are you" its always "how are you feeling?" Now, yes, it is kind and considerate to even ask. Most people mean well and it shows that they are concerned and aware of your current state. But most pregnant people I talk to agree, most of the time we aren't feeling great...and do you really want to hear? Maybe so. It's interesting to hear the specific ailments to each person...I just don't like to complain and I don't like to lie and say I'm "ok" so I feel like there is no good answer I can give.

So, I found it best to just fend that off as long as possible. Crazy, I know. Now those that read this will be walking on pins and needles around me, and theres no need to. I appreciate the sincere questions. I just want to be treated as a regular person, not a "pregnant" person.

But then there was today. In the past few days, I've been feeling it. The weight, the joints, the aching....its beginning to takes its toll and I'm realizing...NOW is the time that I am no longer a regular person. I have to admit that I don't feel like regular person. I find myself wanting to give the excuse of my ailing self.

I actually did a lot of cleaning/picking up/laundry this morning. Much needed, and in the mornings I feel young and spry. I then had a friend over for lunch where I got to....sit:)
Matthew's teacher had a birthday today and I took in treats for her and gathered $$$ from other parents for gift card, etc. After spending an hour at the school (plus my morning workout clean up) it wore me out. (Here is Matthew passing out the brownie treats I made to his classmates)


Then after school, the boys wanted to go to the park, and they hardly ever ask that. I asked, "What is at the park that you can't do at home?" Tyler wanted to throw a tennis ball against a wall to practice Wall Ball, a game they play at Recess (that he just barely got up the nerve to play and now loves it).

Matthew just wanted to take a spin on the monkey bars because at school they don't allow kindergarteners on the monkey bars. How could I tell my boys no? I really didn't want to go. I wanted to just sit. At home. But it was a breathtakingly beautiful day. Sunny, a slight chill that I wished I had a long sleeved t-shirt and I would have been perfectly comfortable (I was in a short sleeved Tee). But I was aching. Tired.

But I did it. I willed myself, and brought a magazine. I said I was just going to watch, and they were ok with that. But then I felt bad for not playing, not interacting with them at the playground. Things I'm going to have to get over. We went to the park, that had to be good enough. I tried to tell Tyler that its going to be harder for me to do certain things and that I'll need his help. When his ball got stuck behind the green wall, after examining and realizing I couldn't get it, a nice man who was practicing his basketball shots must have seen my "condition" and realized he could be a hero to my damsel in distress. He kindly offered to help. It's those sweet acts of service that I DO enjoy during pregnancy. When I realize I can't do things alone.
(Alyssa took these of me at the park on one of the benches that I perched upon)


Valentines Day marks the beginning of my third trimester. I gave in and bought a new pair of compression support hose to appease the throbbing in my right leg due to the veins bulging out. Thats really my major discomfort. I can walk, but standing idle just isn't good. I will at least sway or shake my right leg as I stand and have a conversation with someone. Sitting is preferable. Acid Reflux in the evening that involves consuming a Zantac an hour or two before bed. But I do find when I am sitting for a while and stand up, there is stiffness in my spine, tailbone, etc. I have to hunch for a few steps, then a mini wobble begins.

I'm feeling lots of kicking, which I love. It's so much fun to feel my baby moving around. For the first time, I perused the aisles at Target, and even made a drive out to Babies R Us to see if there was anything new on the market since Alyssa was born nearly 4 years ago. Not much that I need, but several wants. Michael is trying to help me differentiate between NEEDS and WANTS. My main desire is for a new travel system: stroller/carseat situation. We got one with Tyler, which he see's as perfectly fine. I see it differently. Besides hearing that they expire after 5 years, it is just ugly to me. I'm over it. I want something new. I saved all of Alyssa's clothes, so I really don't need much. But I buy myself new shirts even though I don't NEED them.

Well, you know me, I can't say it all simply in just a few sentances. Now you've got the whole deal. So if you are a local, or we talk on the phone and you want to simply be kind and truly see how I'm doing, ask "how do your legs feel today" or "I hope that acid reflux isn't bugging you too much" because now you know the facts.

P.S. It would sure be cool if I looked this cute while pregnant, but alas...it won't be that way at the end. Each pregnancy, no matter how much I exercise during, 50 pounds added by the end.